Belonging- a lifetime of figuring out feeling ‘at home’

Insights from a psychological counsellor for immigrants/expats/TCKs

❤️‍🩹When I was younger, I often felt like a fish out of water. Sadly, this was the case even before I had my first international move, from Brasil to the US at age 10. They say about children moving abroad, that they will adapt remarkably fast. My parents say I learnt school-level English within 3 or 4 months. Around that time I did find a group of friends- I settled in with other immigrant kids. (Hold that thought for later.) This is my earliest memory of finding a social group where I belonged. Two years after, I’d move back to Brasil once again, to start this whole process over. And I would repeat this, through many iterations and moves.

Many smaller versions of me struggled with the question: what does it mean to belong?

Here’s five things I learnt along the way.

1-In childhood, belonging meant balancing two forces: fitting in, and standing out

Fitting in to the group in general, following norms- learning to curse for example. Standing out, finding a quality that others perceive in me and making it visible- that has been intelligence, that’s been kindness, that’s been ‘exoticness’. In other words, for a long time I seemed to approach belonging by trying to be like everyone else, while also being admired for what’s unique to myself.

Both of those forces were important for feeling like I was integrated. I thought belonging meant to be acknowledged, and liked by a group of people, so that I can feel a part of them. The way to achieve belonging often meant overthinking what I say, hiding what felt too different, but putting on a performance of the qualities I knew would be liked. This little Amanda will be relieved to find that’s not how we do things anymore.

2-Diversity meant- more ways to belong

In fancier words, where there’s heterogeneity, belonging becomes less pressure, because there’s more possible actions that are socially sanctioned, and qualities that are socially rewarded.

There was a time where I attended a rather diverse school, I had such interesting experiences with belonging. It wasn’t that there was no pressure, but it was not hard to be liked at all. It was also easy to experiment, and move between social contexts. I could have a dnd group, a girls group, a theatre group (huge one!). There was no competition for my alliance because all these subgroups were a sanctioned part of the greater culture.

Exploration wasn’t however unlimited, as it was still important to be liked. It was soooo rewarding to be liked, socially, academically, romantically. This Amanda felt like she could conquer the world. But sadly, she also felt then she needed to.

3-Less ways to belong- I chose to be lonely

It follows from my last point; when there’s homogeneity, belonging becomes a bigger challenge, because there’s a tighter norm to adapt to, with specific qualities to be admired.

At some moments in late teenagehood, when moving between very different high school cultures, it felt like belonging was impossible. I was so obviously not like everyone else, and had cultivated qualities which in this context were rendered unimportant. Here I was smart, but not that smart. Not funny, not attractive. Not fun to be around. Being multicultural here wasn’t a hit. Not much to be admired for. I felt very much like an outsider from the get go. But this time, being an outsider meant fitting in with what I believed was good, the previous norms felt somehow authentic to me. Why would I want to fit in with them? I labelled myself an outsider, with an air of superiority (cringe), and I waited out the years until a new change would make reinvention possible again. This isolation was rather painful, but I wouldn’t let it show. The sense of self-importance/ not-like-the-other-girl-ism, though developmentally appropriate, was super annoying. This Amanda now knows don’t need this defense mechanism anymore, other people are not a threat, and it isn’t true that the only way to be safe, is to be lonely.

4-Belonging as doing your part

During uni, I participated in the local theatre groups, and found in that a vacancy for leadership with my name on it. Getting to experience community and then shape that experience for others was incredibly exciting. Though at times that excitement went a bit overboard- transformed into a ruthless ambition to be the best at what we do. I wanted to be surrounded by people who strived as much as I did, which is a lot to ask from people taking up a hobby. On the other hand, creating art together is one of the most rewarding ways I have grown and experienced the joy of being a part of something. Belonging in the theatre is little about fitting in, and more about everyone being needed and doing their unique part. Everyone has a role. Cheesy? Perhaps. Can’t ask anything else from a theatre kid at heart.

5-I’ve grown too big to fit again- belonging means much more

I recently relocated as a grown woman, my first migration past 20. This time now as a full professional, starting her work supporting other internationals like me. Despite that, some of my smaller selves still shine so bright, and come with their old ideas of what it means to adapt- again.

About 6 months in Germany, I attended the event of a good friend of mine completely in German. Everyone around me was ready to accommodate to me, to speak in English if possible. I was determined to not stand out, and toughen it out with my 3rd (4th?) language. The event was a huge success, and I managed to go 10 hours only communicating in German.

This success was exactly what I hoped would happen. Yet afterwards when I got home, I felt a deep sense of relief, and then… sadness. It was so much effort, and I tried so so hard that it felt sad after. Sad that I needed to push myself so much. Sad that I had to do so much effort to feel like I belong.

My friend and her friends created a wonderful environment for me, and this was one more memory that I treasure in the road to feeling at home. But though everyone around me was happy to speak in their second language for me, I wanted to follow the group norm, not stand out for the worse. Maybe only stand out, with how smart I am, how resourceful, for learning a very difficult language in a short amount of time. Be admired for how I was culturally adapting successfully.

It was then that it was clearest to me- how fitting in and being liked are quite shitty metrics for belonging. Fitting in means doing the right things, and it feels scary to be different. Valuing being liked means, you deeply fear being disliked. At the end, my experience was so dominated by those fears, that successfully completing it wasn’t even enjoyable, but more so a relief.

Fitting in & being liked isn’t going to help me feel at home

Those time I actually felt like a part of a group- actual belonging never felt like home from tolerance nor admiration- it felt like safety. It felt like accepting & being accepted, just the way I was. It came from everyone uniting from a place of authenticity.

There’s always some sense of code of conduct, some values that unite. But those are never prescribed, but they’re emergent from the characteristics of the group. There’s always some sense of being liked- even better- being loved! But it is not an admiration that begs for performance, it’s a genuine exchange of connection between people.

What makes me feel at home?

Today as I work supporting others navigate the journey of belonging, and it’s quite lovely that this work is where I feel most at home. I belong with those trying to figure things out- not because I fit in or because I’m admired. But amongst other foreigners- I have a role in my community, that requires that I be nothing but myself.

Take-home nuggets (Also, if you read nothing else)

I don’t assume to know all there is to know about belonging, however this is what I currently believe to be true:

-True belonging begins when you can just be you. Only then can you feel a part of something new.

-We must find opportunities to connect, and trade in acceptance & care, not necessarily admiration.

-Belonging can be an active action, once you find your community and your role in it (just like the theatre)

-With time, we can create familiarity, habits, a sense of knowing our community, that translates to feeling like home.