(you can see all videos in the following highlight on my instagram: https://www.instagram.com/stories/highlights/18030259766340705/)

Cue the buzzwords- this was a small showcase of me having self-discipline. Through the days where I was sick, or was on vacation, at my parents house, for pretty much the whole year every Sunday there was a video. Shorter or longer, more produced or less produced, early in the morning or late in the afternoon- it got done. Independent of my mood, state, location.

One metaphor I like for this state- I am a rock, a mountain in the sea, stoic & unchangeable against the tides. Though the waves may lap they cannot move me, I am too solid.

I took a break for Christmas, that felt natural and necessary also as someone who is attempting to model to clients that taking breaks is okay. After that, I kept going.

Until one day in February I was feeling quite intensely sick, and didn’t have much of a voice. For the first time I did not make a video, and that triggered in me such a wave of unexpected feeling- guilt, anger, relief.

a stylish sick day selfie

I couldn’t believe this streak was going to fall through, I couldn’t believe my body couldn’t support my work. Even though I had already broken the physical sequence by taking breaks, all of those were intentional. Now here I was feeling trapped and cornered by circumstances outside of my control. I’m sure I could have created a mute video with just captions, I’m sure I could have made a 30 second clip of just a self-care card.

But I noticed as these feelings came up this was obviously about more than just my silly social media project. This was about a piece of identity that I built in the process. The ideas that I am a creator, I am someone who has self-discipline, and I can create action and momentum under any circumstances independent of my mood and state.

It is deeply empowering to discover your self as a creator of reality, even in such a small piece of your life (a 3 hour interval on Sundays). It is deeply hurtful to perceive yourself limited, restricted, and to feel like your will has no power anymore. No amount of will would have made my voice return.

I did the best that I could with the resources that I had, but I could no longer tell myself that it got done independent of mood, state, location. There died the mythos of self-discipline, or rather a more absolutist self-discipline that many creators seem to pride themselves on these days.

From my perspective as a psychologist and human, there’s nothing richer than felt experience to help us learn more about ourselves. I’d love to study this moment with you, taking you through three main takeaways of my fight against rigid self-discipline.

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Part 1- mountain & river- value in (in)flexibility

I gave the analogy above of the mountain, the steadiness involved in knowing your course and feeling the strength of your willpower to move you through your life. Self-discipline importantly requires a degree of self-determination, of control over our lives. In fulfilling it, it also confirms the presence and importance of the role we can play in creating action and guiding our own behavior. Unfortunately that does feeling does not come easy to many many people, who do have restrictions be it due to health, occupation, dependents, and other factors that limit the extent to which they can fully pursue self-determination.

Besides the situational restrictions, from my perspective, the zeitgeist that promotes a rigid self-discipline is a set up for eventual collapse when inevitably circumstances overpower our will. This was for example my loss of my voice.

But what’s the alternative? Embracing that we’re bound to circumstance, limited, changeable in our capacity? We’re more like river less like rock? Can we be creators of our life, of action, and our own momentum when we embrace limitation?

I think the answer is somewhere in the middle. I believe inflexibility will often create trouble, where flexibility creates ease. I think there are moments when people benefit from believing themselves a rock, and moments when people benefit from transforming into the river.

I think working in these analogies can be a powerful way to visualise your own strengths within moments where there is lots under your control, or almost nothing at all.

Part 2- ‘just do it’ and the separation of thought and action

An important tenant that I grasped on to for defining self-discipline was the idea that action was independent from mood and state. In my example, there were many days that I woke up tired and would have rather slept in or relaxed instead of working. The first thought: ‘I don’t really feel like doing this :(’. I notice in my surroundings a current wave of ideas becoming popular highlighting that motivation is an unreliable feeling, and to really build a habit or practice, one needs to ‘just do it’. There is a clear separation and independence, even a repression- in that moment thoughts and inner experiences must be disconnected from actions.

I think ‘just do it’ deeply suggests that impulsive negative thoughts are a hinderance to action, and the way to deal with them should be to create distance. But what happens when our mental impulses get ignored, long term? Will be continue to be able to stay attuned, to experience sadness when things are sad, and anger when things are unfair?

In my humble opinion, it is a shame to sideline any part of us, especially our internal world in favor of creating external control and stability.

But there is another way of looking at the same situation. A ‘self-discipline’ that is less about overpowering your inner world, and more about entering in conversation with it.

Most people don’t realize ‘just do it’ is itself another thought, a second, a response to the initial inertia and negativity. I believe it is not with the severance of thoughts and action that people manage to practice successfully directing their actions. It is with the acceptance of those initial negative thoughts, and willingness to continue conversation anyway. To produce a second, a third, a fourth thought. ‘Why don’t I feel like doing it?’ ‘What would I need to recover if I still got up to work anyway?’ ‘Maybe I will start the first 5 minutes’. To be willing to acknowledge when action truly serves your best interest, in the here-and-now, and not how you decided it should be the evening before. To tolerate discomfort, not only of that negative thought, but also of creating dissonance within yourself.

One of the fundamental generators of behavior change, as studied in motivational interviewing, is dissonance. We have the highest chances of change once we explore what is stopping us, as opposed to ignoring it entirely.

‘Let’s see if it makes sense right now to do it’ seems much less catchy then ‘just do it’ - but I might shoot Nike an email anyway for public benefit…

Part 3- rigidity, expectation, and failure

my stamp cards tracking goals

Last bone I have to pick - the self-discipline sold in the motivational instagram posts, the encouragement to habit-track everything, the compulsion to measure progress in statistics of an app. Disclaimer, if anything I mention works for you, please don’t feel discouraged to shift your methods. I just want to encourage perhaps those overwhelmed with the measurement of goals in the year of our lord 2026 to reflect on why.

I have seen a habit tracker that was a print-out for one year. One year!! I think this can be wonderful as a way to visualise your process, afterall once you ‘check’ a box you can visualise this as an accomplishment. But doing that as you look over a table for a whole year- I begin to wonder what the real goal is. Are there many goals outside of drinking water, getting sleep, that are desirable for a year’s time? I can imagine in the beginning of tracking yourself the rest of the year already haunts you- as an oath you will need to keep. After all nothing would be sadder than abandoning the tracker you carefully started after one month. This is often what happens with new-years resolutions, they bring a huge sense of pressure chased by a sense of shame- ‘if I fail at this new goal, that must mean something about me as a person. Maybe I am not cut out for it.’ This conflation of action-identity is incredibly common and tricky to confront- but think of it this way: you can most likely tie your own shoes, but you’ve never had a thought about how good of a shoe-tier that makes you. Certain negative moments and qualities call out this judgement, attaching meaning related to your identity to your actions or their results.

The more rigid your expectations, the larger the sense of failure if it is not met, and the more likely it is to create this negative belief related to your identity. I personally have been using a stamp card strategy to help me with habits I’d like to start, I am not suggesting we forego the attempt of influencing our lives more positively. I am suggesting that an emphasis on tracking, measurement, paired with the inflexibility I expanded on above, can create terrible conditions for growth.

The big challenge: creating expectations that are adaptive. (Big moment now for fans of natural foods in analogies!) Same as shopping local or homegrown produce, finding goals which are authentic to us in this moment of our lives. Not shop-bought superprocessed goals that just make us feel worse off for never achieving them. Creating a sense of compassion built in with our attempts, so that missing the mark never feels like a fatal flaw, it always feels like one moment in a chain that’s evergrowing. Finally noticing the seasons passing and adjusting your goals accordingly- there may be things you need more of, and things you need less of at this stage. Allow yourself to change your mind.

Self discipline is not my enemy

Final thoughts- self-discipline is not my enemy. I am not fighting against the attempt to create steady supportive practices. But since that moment where I confronted the failure of not recording my Sunday video for the first time, I became more keen on giving it a careful look. Observing how inflexibility shows up within self-discipline, rejecting real limitations, creating a sense of repression, and high stakes for personal development. I hope as you read this you notice which parts of you feel rigid too. I hope this helps soften the edges.

In case no one told you, two things are true:

I believe in you, and, it’s okay if you don’t ‘just do it’.

Pippin featured here showcasing the latest self-care card I have pulled

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The irony does not escape me- I indeed am writing this from the void commonly called the middle of the night. The house is quiet, I’ve just finished doing my bedtime skin care as slowly as I wanted. The cats are scurrying in their burst of nightly energy. I’m at the absolute tail end of a beautiful and productive day.

From the moment I got home from a social event until now, I have done the things I should do, called my parents and grandmother, picked up cat litter, put on the dishwasher. I indulged in the healthy unhealthy couple of hours of mindless scrolling.

All is well.

It’s time to go to bed… I’m tired. Yet a little voice within me goes: but it’s the weekend, there’s so much you can do! Isn’t it so nice to be awake in the quiet?

Revenge bedtime procrastination is the term colloquially coined for the phenomenon when we postpone getting to sleep in order to make the most of this time- the leftovers of the day. Sometimes it’s cold Chinese takeout. Sometimes its the perfect stew, even better reheated. Leftovers of the day always give us this sense of freedom.

After spending all day dealing with tasks and demands and goals, there’s a little piece of time where I get to do whatever I want. Why would I ever cut this short?

Many people, myself included, perceive this freedom after twilight, that’s mostly absent in the daylight. We live practical lives, have practical jobs that pay the bills. We have challenges with our families, studies, workplace. Often times we’re starved for the feeling of choice after dealing with the bulk of our lives that we need to/should do. Even if for the best reasons, we fill the calendar marking away all the spots that are no longer available, that are no longer free. The “leftovers” are an enticing space that awakens that hunger for freedom.

I’m not here to condemn that, but I’m here to invite you to look a little deeper…

If like me you’re breathing a sigh of relief- exclusively in the dead of night, I have a few reflection prompts for us.

• Describe the impact of your day today on your body- how does it feel inside of you?

• Write for yourself your day in terms of “musts” and “shoulds”. What do you notice comes up when you see it all laid out?

• In what ways are you feeling starved for choice or freedom?

• If you were to give yourself a whole new day of free time- what do you want to use it for? What are you craving?

• If you’re up for a challenge: Based on those cravings, come up with a list of “coulds”.

Leftovers don’t make sense if you’re not hungry. I invite you to explore what exactly what’s behind that craving.

For me, it’s the sense of presence in the present moment, in a day that felt like I managed 20 separate tabs. It’s a relief of responsibilities- room for lightness instead. A strong craving for relaxation to replace tensions. My body had to go places and do things, and right now, it wants to relax.

The more we get curious about our cravings, the more we receive clear instructions for how to tend to our needs.

And maybe like me- part of you realizes you do indeed need to sleep…

That could be a great decision.

Take it easy, I’ll see you in the morning. Sleep tight

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Many smaller versions of me struggled with the question: what does it mean to belong?

Here’s five things I learnt along the way.

1-In childhood, belonging meant balancing two forces: fitting in, and standing out

Fitting in to the group in general, following norms- learning to curse for example. Standing out, finding a quality that others perceive in me and making it visible- that has been intelligence, that’s been kindness, that’s been ‘exoticness’. In other words, for a long time I seemed to approach belonging by trying to be like everyone else, while also being admired for what’s unique to myself.

Both of those forces were important for feeling like I was integrated. I thought belonging meant to be acknowledged, and liked by a group of people, so that I can feel a part of them. The way to achieve belonging often meant overthinking what I say, hiding what felt too different, but putting on a performance of the qualities I knew would be liked. This little Amanda will be relieved to find that’s not how we do things anymore.

2-Diversity meant- more ways to belong

In fancier words, where there’s heterogeneity, belonging becomes less pressure, because there’s more possible actions that are socially sanctioned, and qualities that are socially rewarded.

There was a time where I attended a rather diverse school, I had such interesting experiences with belonging. It wasn’t that there was no pressure, but it was not hard to be liked at all. It was also easy to experiment, and move between social contexts. I could have a dnd group, a girls group, a theatre group (huge one!). There was no competition for my alliance because all these subgroups were a sanctioned part of the greater culture.

Exploration wasn’t however unlimited, as it was still important to be liked. It was soooo rewarding to be liked, socially, academically, romantically. This Amanda felt like she could conquer the world. But sadly, she also felt then she needed to.

3-Less ways to belong- I chose to be lonely

It follows from my last point; when there’s homogeneity, belonging becomes a bigger challenge, because there’s a tighter norm to adapt to, with specific qualities to be admired.

At some moments in late teenagehood, when moving between very different high school cultures, it felt like belonging was impossible. I was so obviously not like everyone else, and had cultivated qualities which in this context were rendered unimportant. Here I was smart, but not that smart. Not funny, not attractive. Not fun to be around. Being multicultural here wasn’t a hit. Not much to be admired for. I felt very much like an outsider from the get go. But this time, being an outsider meant fitting in with what I believed was good, the previous norms felt somehow authentic to me. Why would I want to fit in with them? I labelled myself an outsider, with an air of superiority (cringe), and I waited out the years until a new change would make reinvention possible again. This isolation was rather painful, but I wouldn’t let it show. The sense of self-importance/ not-like-the-other-girl-ism, though developmentally appropriate, was super annoying. This Amanda now knows don’t need this defense mechanism anymore, other people are not a threat, and it isn’t true that the only way to be safe, is to be lonely.

4-Belonging as doing your part

During uni, I participated in the local theatre groups, and found in that a vacancy for leadership with my name on it. Getting to experience community and then shape that experience for others was incredibly exciting. Though at times that excitement went a bit overboard- transformed into a ruthless ambition to be the best at what we do. I wanted to be surrounded by people who strived as much as I did, which is a lot to ask from people taking up a hobby. On the other hand, creating art together is one of the most rewarding ways I have grown and experienced the joy of being a part of something. Belonging in the theatre is little about fitting in, and more about everyone being needed and doing their unique part. Everyone has a role. Cheesy? Perhaps. Can’t ask anything else from a theatre kid at heart.

5-I’ve grown too big to fit again- belonging means much more

I recently relocated as a grown woman, my first migration past 20. This time now as a full professional, starting her work supporting other internationals like me. Despite that, some of my smaller selves still shine so bright, and come with their old ideas of what it means to adapt- again.

About 6 months in Germany, I attended the event of a good friend of mine completely in German. Everyone around me was ready to accommodate to me, to speak in English if possible. I was determined to not stand out, and toughen it out with my 3rd (4th?) language. The event was a huge success, and I managed to go 10 hours only communicating in German.

This success was exactly what I hoped would happen. Yet afterwards when I got home, I felt a deep sense of relief, and then… sadness. It was so much effort, and I tried so so hard that it felt sad after. Sad that I needed to push myself so much. Sad that I had to do so much effort to feel like I belong.

My friend and her friends created a wonderful environment for me, and this was one more memory that I treasure in the road to feeling at home. But though everyone around me was happy to speak in their second language for me, I wanted to follow the group norm, not stand out for the worse. Maybe only stand out, with how smart I am, how resourceful, for learning a very difficult language in a short amount of time. Be admired for how I was culturally adapting successfully.

It was then that it was clearest to me- how fitting in and being liked are quite shitty metrics for belonging. Fitting in means doing the right things, and it feels scary to be different. Valuing being liked means, you deeply fear being disliked. At the end, my experience was so dominated by those fears, that successfully completing it wasn’t even enjoyable, but more so a relief.

Fitting in & being liked isn’t going to help me feel at home

Those time I actually felt like a part of a group- actual belonging never felt like home from tolerance nor admiration- it felt like safety. It felt like accepting & being accepted, just the way I was. It came from everyone uniting from a place of authenticity.

There’s always some sense of code of conduct, some values that unite. But those are never prescribed, but they’re emergent from the characteristics of the group. There’s always some sense of being liked- even better- being loved! But it is not an admiration that begs for performance, it’s a genuine exchange of connection between people.

What makes me feel at home?

Today as I work supporting others navigate the journey of belonging, and it’s quite lovely that this work is where I feel most at home. I belong with those trying to figure things out- not because I fit in or because I’m admired. But amongst other foreigners- I have a role in my community, that requires that I be nothing but myself.

Take-home nuggets (Also, if you read nothing else)

I don’t assume to know all there is to know about belonging, however this is what I currently believe to be true:

-True belonging begins when you can just be you. Only then can you feel a part of something new.

-We must find opportunities to connect, and trade in acceptance & care, not necessarily admiration.

-Belonging can be an active action, once you find your community and your role in it (just like the theatre)

-With time, we can create familiarity, habits, a sense of knowing our community, that translates to feeling like home.

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